Diary: Flies in the Head
Life consists of accidents. I went out to drink coffee and was mobilized.
– 1 –
Life consists of accidents. I went out to drink coffee and was mobilized. Recruiting center at Zankovetska Street. I would not like to go back there. The atmosphere is too depressing. Or maybe it’s not depressing, but it’s a matter of experiencing shock, a sleepless night, and the company of people who are on the verge of despair. I spent the whole night there. No matter how hard I tried to sleep, it never happened. I should have expected that one day, it would be my turn to mobilize. But that’s what I didn’t want to think about. Now, I don’t sleep and think that I don’t want to die. I don’t want to be captured even more. And I also thought that I did not regret my actions and, in general, the life that I had until this moment. And I began to miss this life. Then, there were thoughts about how it would be possible to avoid mobilization and stick to your usual everyday life.
The physical evaluation board reported that I was fit for service. So I went to the training center to pass the selection.
If you want to know how important you are to your community, join the army during the war. Probably, I have never heard so many words of support. In any case, it is nice to realize that you are loved and appreciated by close and not-so-close people. Not that I didn’t know this before, but at this moment – this realization was important.
I couldn’t sleep on the way. Either because of the crooked roads, or uncomfortable seats, or adrenaline that did not let go, or all at once. So, I did not sleep for the second night. But it was time to go through the last stage of acceptance.
– 2 –
Acclimatization, acquaintance with other fellows in misfortune, in short, my army life began.
We were taken to another location for training. One of the warmates had an epileptic seizure. It was unexpected and scary. It is somehow unusual to see a person convulsing, choking on foam, suffocating, and turning blue. But everything ended well.
Then there was training. Explanation of the theory – how to maintain a machine gun, shoot, disassemble, assemble. Explanation of the rules of battle. They issued an armored car, a helmet, and a Kalashnikov assault rifle, with which we now have to be inseparable.
The instructor explained that it is better to prepare yourself for blood, guts, ripped-off limbs, and death. If you want to survive, of course.
Hi 👋
It’s me, Chernets. By the way, before mobilization, I was a court reporter for the Dead Lawyers Society.
Forgive me for interrupting the reading, but I have a request. I am raising 400,000.00 ₴ for some Mavics for my unit.
So if you could donate, I would appreciate it, so here is the link to donate to the Charity Foundation “Dead Lawyers Society”
That’s all, sorry for the pause, please continue
The absence of hope does not mean the presence of despair. Fortunately, I did not feel despair. Neither hope, of course.
– 3 –
Here comes the day of the oath. I will not say that I felt any changes. I have already had time to understand that I am in the Armed Forces before that.
From today, we have begun to move from theory to practice. We disassembled and assembled the machine gun. In full equipment, we hid in the fields during the alert. There was air alert the night before the oath, so we spent the night outside the barracks again. I can’t say that we managed to have a sleep.
We also studied shooting positions and how to properly unload a machine gun. The senior instructor talks about his experience in between the necessary combat theory. The stories are atmospheric and definitely needed. To get rid of the last illusions that the war is the main hero’s romantic adventure. Not that I believed in this adventure. It is calmer without illusions and hopes. I understood this a long time ago. The absence of hope does not mean the presence of despair. Fortunately, I did not feel despair. Neither hope, of course.
The senior instructor also warned that whether we like it or not, we will come back with flies in our heads, so to speak. I have a strong psyche and good adaptive skills. But everyone has their limits. So, I will have to check it on practice – the veracity of the words of the senior instructor, as well as this limit.
– 4 –
I can say one thing for sure, the food at the training is delicious. They do not spare food for us. If you tell the cooks that you like to eat well, they will give you a double portion. I like to eat well, even though you can’t tell it from how I look. Appetite catches up quickly at training. Walking almost all day in a bulletproof vest is not so easy. Mainly out of habit. But it’s better to get used to it now because you don’t know what lies ahead.
The world is a damn chaotic thing. And sometimes, this chaos scares me. Now, the world has narrowed as much as possible. There is my company, my platoon, and there is knowledge, which the instructors drill into our heads. The rest is irrelevant. I love it when little matters. When everything is reduced to a minimum and the excess is discarded. But if you think about it that way, in reality, there really aren’t that many really important and valuable things in this world. A similar realization comes when you lose something truly valuable to you. Then, everything immediately falls into place. Of course, it hurts to lose. But it’s a good lesson.
The only thing you want to think about is the present moment. It doesn’t matter how much courage you have, but you can’t run away from fear. And at certain moments, this fear catches you. There is no hope and expectations for the future either. But I discarded them long ago as unnecessary ballast. That’s why it’s normal for me. The main thing is that fear does not turn into despair as a result. Yes, I know that despair sometimes helps to move forward if you know how to manage this despair. But not now. Despair does not worry me much.
Don’t be an asshole, know how to help your warmate and have a normal sense of humor
– 5 –
Night alarms definitely fed me up. You can’t ignore them here because it can really strike. As soon as an air alert is announced, you need to put on full equipment and run to the place of deployment outside the unit. It doesn’t help much with sleep. I’m still not used to sleeping in a bulletproof vest.
We entertained ourselves as much as we could, mainly we span yarns. The advantage of the army team is simple rules of communication: don’t be an asshole, know how to help your warmate, and have a normal sense of humor. Despite the fact that I know the rules well, I can’t stand social games. There is still less reason to try to smile at someone in order to get something. It makes sense when you are also surrounded by fellows in misfortune. Of course, everyone reveals themselves little by little and tells their story. Always liked to find out what people are made of.
The day was remembered not only by a minimum of sleep but also by a day of shooting. The way to the training ground was not close, but in the heat and with a bulletproof vest on the body, it seemed eternal. On the spot, we practiced tactical medicine, throwing a grenade from a trench. Well, we finally started to shoot. I was very “lucky” in this case – my machine gun jammed on the very first cartridge. Then I shot purely mindlessly, not even fully realizing that I was aiming and whether I hit the target. What a surprise it was for me that I hit the bull’s eye twice and another 11 times nearby. I thought that, in general, I would never hit. The last time I held a weapon in my hands was 8 years ago. But I was never a good shooter.
The sensations from the shots are mostly pleasant. Although out of habit, it was really creeping me out. I didn’t even notice that the recoil hit my shoulder. Both then and now, I don’t feel pain. But I felt the ringing in my ears immediately and for a long time.
And so the days pass. Regimentation and constant fatigue. But let them run me ragged so I can later run my enemies ragged.
– 6 –
A soldier who is not tired is not a soldier. It is still difficult to sleep in a bulletproof vest under the starry sky surrounded by mosquitoes. But if you are tired enough, it is possible. That’s how I fell asleep that night.
We listened to a lecture on military psychology. I was recently told that you should suppress your emotions because war loves a cold mind. The person who told me this clearly knows nothing about war and emotions. The instructors explained that suppressing emotions will not help much. You can’t run away from emotions. Sooner or later, they will catch you, and there will be an outbreak of aggression, which should be sublimated. We were also told about PTSD.
Then, we learned to dig a trench. Perhaps it is even more helpful than the ability to shoot.
They were digging and thinking about what we would be after return; who among us would remain in the war? Would we be the people we were before? Would we become stronger after the experience or weaker? We have not yet found a clear answer. However, many factors can affect this – the potential of the psyche and protective mechanisms, previous life experience, support and understanding of the close environment, and the level of suffering experienced in the war. But if I return from the war a slightly different person, then is there any sense in old passions and attachments?
– 7 –
The day off flew by. We mostly slept, wandered around, smoked, and talked. The fighting spirit in the company is not at the highest level. Clearly, no one wants to serve. Everyone just says that they don’t want to be here and that they had a great time in civilian life. Everyone has something to hold onto – family, friends, work, leisure. In a word, your own comfort zone. In the near future, many will get used to a new comfort zone. Someone will even like the new lifestyle. But more on that later.
I let go of civilian life. And there’s no point in nostalgia if you can’t escape from the ship. And it’s a shame to run away. That’s it, I’m a soldier. I get the most out of my training and don’t give up. I realized a long time ago that a crisis is also an opportunity. And it is necessary to get the maximum out of a crisis situation.
I also realized that I have softened a bit in recent years. Not that I became worse because of it – I worked hard to find mental balance. And I was even glad that during the year of the war, I preserved goodness and even became more humane. Now, I am beginning to understand that a return to old habits is inevitable. The old habits were anger as a primary emotion and omnipotent control as a defense mechanism, a rigid division between one’s own and others, and problems with trust. If I got into a difficult situation, it was the only way to get out. On the other hand, what is a warrior without anger and discipline? Maybe I can become a real fighter. Practice will show.
I also don’t feel sadness for the past life that I have been building so conscientiously.
– 8 –
Humanity is an interesting species. If you look from the point of view of physical indicators, then we are weak. Our body is incredibly fragile. But we have conquered everything on this planet. This land has never seen such an adaptive species.
So, I am reaping the benefits of adaptation. In principle, I have no problems with this skill. I had to be in different circumstances, change work, environment, style and pace of life, model of behavior, become more rigid, softer, and repeatedly start anew. Suffering defeats and recovering from them. There were bad days, weeks, months, even years. But I have no regrets. I gained a certain understanding of this world, people, and myself. At the same time, the ability to get out of trouble. In a word – adaptation.
So, during this week, my body began to adapt to wearing equipment and a machine gun almost all day. At first, every cell in the body ached. And not so long ago, I thought I was in good physical shape. Now, I don’t feel any pain in my muscles. I also don’t feel sadness for the past life that I have been building so conscientiously. Like, I was always on duty. So what – you can’t bring back the past, no matter how good the memories are sometimes. There is only here and now from which I should take the maximum.
Today there were shootings, again. I won’t say that I’m an accurate shooter, but little by little, it’s starting to come out. Therefore, everything is not so bad as for a dilettante and an intellectual-humanitarian. Throwing grenades, tactical medicine, obstacle course. This is how, gradually, they make warriors out of us. Of course, not everyone will be able to become a skilled fighter. I’m not sure of my innate military skills, but I don’t want to die either. Therefore, it makes sense to develop them.
The senior instructor reiterates that only an idiot is not afraid. Our task is simple – to overcome this fear. After all, there are people like us at the frontline. Not some invincible cyborgs who, with closed eyes, shooting with two hands, hit the target, as Russian propaganda portrays us.
– 9 –
Vaccination made it possible to do half a day without physical exertion. True, we were not asked much whether we wanted to be vaccinated or whether we had been vaccinated before. An order is an order. I wonder how anti-vaxxers are being re-educated here?
Many people in our company want the same treatment they had in civilian life. But this attitude should be forgotten, at least for the duration of the study. Will see how the wind blows.
I accepted the uncertainty and the unknown. Although, when was the future determined? Isn’t the future an illusion that can be dispelled at any moment? What is the meaning of hopes and expectations? Sometimes, these feelings give an opportunity to persevere, but in the long run, they can break. Or maybe it’s just that it’s vital for me to get to the bottom of things. Not to say that it gives me a feeling of happiness, but rather the opposite. But otherwise, I can’t. It was true; more than once, I was told that such a character trait is a great advantage. But I don’t know.
I know one thing for sure – people love nice words. They like to listen to them. They like to say them. They like to think about duty, loyalty, decency, and nobility. Another question is, are people ready to show such virtues themselves? Is it better to watch something like this from a safe distance and admire it? Do people not need actions that should be trusted in the first place, but only nice words and empty promises that no one is ready to fulfill? On the other hand, how honest are we then?
– 10 –
Days fly by imperceptibly. It seems like only yesterday that I arrived at the training ground. On the other hand, it seems that there was no life before the army. More precisely, it was, but a long time ago. In any case, training has become more accessible. You understand what is required of you, where you need to put in the maximum, and where to relax. And the mood is improving. Looks like I’m not the only one. Many fear that we will all be thrown like cannon fodder into the hottest points of hostilities. Someone constantly walks around with a sour face and complains about everything that can be complained about. But in general, the majority resigned themselves to their situation. Well, that kind of humility is better than despair.
There is not much free time, but it is enough to learn the stories of those with whom you are training. For example, I have a farmer in my platoon. Until recently, he raised cattle. The work is not easy, but it is not so often that you meet people who talk about work with such enthusiasm. He especially loves horses. Thanks to them, he even met his wife there somehow. Someone talks about their children. Someone mentions a crisis in a relationship because of a family routine. Nevertheless, this crisis made us understand the value of love. Therefore, the family became even stronger. Some regret that they romanticized the war and the feats of the soldiers of the Armed Forces of Ukraine, forgetting that they are human beings of flesh and blood like everyone else. We are here of flesh and blood. Aren’t we?
Also, I was on duty. Nothing complicated. You just stand on the зщіе with a serious face. Oh, how boring it is. But I did not dig trenches all day. Oops, sorry. Did not perform engineering and tactical tasks. That’s how I thought that I would be on duty by the end of the day. Then I will have dinner and go to sleep. But I was still sent to the shooting range. It was there, on the shooting range, that there was a scene that I could have seen in some kind of movie like Full Metal Shell, but I didn’t think that I would be the hero of this movie. But who, if not life, is the best screenwriter?
So, we are standing, it’s raining cats and dogs. In front of us is the chief sergeant, built like me but taller and with a tone of voice like mine. That is, he was a thin, long-limbed man with a low voice. This instructor is standing in a bulletproof vest and harness, with a loaded machine gun and a cigarette in his teeth, looking as if he doesn’t care about the rain. And he doesn’t care about everything. And then he says: “So you fucking shoot, two magazines from the trench, one fucking magazine from the right shoulder, the other shit from the left, then you get the fuck out from the trench to the line of fire, fuck the magazine from a crouch, then, fucking standing with automatic fire.”
And we had to shoot. An order is an order. The trench is filled with water. The mud sticks to the boots. And not only boots. I’m gradually sinking into the mud. The muzzle heats up from the shots, and steam starts pouring out of it. Aiming becomes more and more difficult. But I have to hit the target. It is now a target in front of me and may be an occupier in the near future. I’d rather shoot at him than he at me.
And something tells me that there will be more fun.
Perhaps in this part of the Diary, I seemed like a douchebag to you. But I wanted to be honest with you, without being heroic. In the second part, which will be released soon, you will find out if I finally got some sleep and how I became the deputy platoon commander, how I threw grenades that seemed to me like kids’ toys, and you will also learn about Hooligan and the marines, and whether I has changed.
And well, I will be very grateful for the donation. I am raising 400,000.00 ₴ for some Mavics for my unit.
